Geek Daddy

How to find Osama bin Laden

2006-07-09T18:00:00.000-04:00

From late 1988 to late 1990, I was stationed at Travis Air Force Base in Fairfield, California, halfway between San Francisco and Sacramento. While there, I was introduced into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons) by my roommate who was a member. Shortly thereafter, Captain George Fair and his very kind and loving family kind of took me in, being a young, single ~~prospect~~ airman 3,000 miles from his home and family. Capt. Fair had four daughters and a son. His second daughter, Jackie was a couple years younger than I and had me wrapped aronud her finger. Then there was her sister, "Kitten", who was another year younger than that who also had me wrapped around her finger. And so it was that within a year of arriving there, and probably at least 90% because of these two girls, I joined the Mormon church.

In 1990, I transferred to Turkey and had nothing to do with the LDS church (no cute girls). In 1992, I got out of the Air Force and returned to South Carolina. Literally, within six weeks, I received a welcome visit from the local LDS group. They followed me! Due to my realizing that a girl (or two), no matter how beautiful, sweet and all around amazing, was a stupid reason to join a religion. I wrote my letter to the local group and asked that my name bestricken from the registry and my membership in the church cancelled or whatever.

Fast forward to 2006. I have moved eight times and lived in four cities in two different states. And who should show up at my door? You guessed it! Wishing me a happy birthday (a month late) because my name had come up on their bulletin. And I haven't been a member of that church for 13 years!!!

So, here's my plan. Tell a bunch of missionaries that Osama bin Laden is a backslidden member of the Mormon church and the first one to get him to come back gets a free bicycle or something. Forget the US Armed Forces! Forget carpet bombing and Delta Force. I predict the Mormons would figure out what cave that SOB is living in and even leave him with a copy of the Book of Mormon in about 48 hours.

I mean, these guys are like scary! Geez!

I triple dog dare ya!

2006-07-08T17:25:00.000-04:00

Here I am, sitting on my couch in the middle of July in South Carolina, thinking longingly about the move A Christmas Story (Madre de Dios! That movie is 20 years old now!). More specifically, I'm thinking of the scene in which Ralphie's friend sticks his tounge to the flag pole in the middle of December outside of Chicago.

Is it because I'm hot and am desperately in need of cooling off soI think of cold things to trick my mind into believing it's winter?

I wish.

I just fixed myself some ice cream (rainbow sherbert, actually) and when I went to lick the metal scoop of the excess before dropping it into the sink, my upper lip froze to the back of it. Unfortunately, I didn't realize it until I continued the licking motion and tore a few layers of skin off.

I'm such a geek :)

But did I let a tender, swollen, bleeding lip stop me from enjoying my rainbow sherbert? Absolutely not! I'm just glad no one else was home. I might have had to share it!

Not in the manual

2006-07-05T10:49:00.000-04:00

I like to cook. I'm actually pretty good at it, as well. At least I think so. I'm fairly handy in the kitchen and am always looking for new things to try. The grill, however, is a different story. Yes, I can cook on the grill (hey, I am a guy, after all), but will only guarantee the results on my grill.

This Fourth of July, we ended up, as usual, at my mom's house. Geek Mama, the Geeklings and Geek Puppy and myself, through a massive corrdinated effort rivalling that of the D-Day invasion at Normandy descended upon Grandma's in two vehicles loaded with copious amounts of food and foodstuffs, a cooler, a watermellon and swim clothes and more. We live five minutes away but you would think we were moving in.

As usual, the duty of grilling the ubiquitous hot dogs and hamburgers fell upon me. Apparently, my stepfather who turns seventy this month finds it too difficult to stand out and grill in the hot July afternnons in the South, but not too difficult to stand over my shoulder and tell me how to grill in the hot July afternoons in the South. He feels I cannot grill because of imperfect past performances.

I would just like to go on the record here to say that past gilling performances were not my fault. First, I'm not used to his grill. I need more practice on it. Second, Geek Mama, who is an even better cook than I -- usually, likes to make gourmet hamburgers wherein she smushes (that's a gourmet term) egg, chopped onions, Dale's Seasoning (available in grocery stores nation wide), pepper and some other stuff. The problem is, this turns the ground beef into something that looks like a thick, raw meat colored pudding (she didn't add bread or Ritz crackers despit my mom's advice to do so). I think we are just one ingredient short of pate'. The end result is that the burgers fall apart all over the grill, drop in the fire and basically make a huge, unappetizing mess. Again, not my fault!

So this time, we both made a concession. She used regular ground beef which she bought in a tube (but very low in fat), sliced the cylinder in to patties, splashed them with Lea & Perrins and presented them to me. I, on the other hand (and against my better judgement, I might add) used foil on the grill top to prevent the beef from falling through to the fire. In the end, all worked out well. I delivered a magnificent spread of hamburgers, cooked nicely medium rare (except for the medium well ones for the kids). However, this result came with some painful experiences which I will now impart to you.

- When my step dad says "Time to warm up the grill," he really means it will be at least 45 minutes before any meat is ready to place upon it. And he wonders why he runs out of gas so quickly.

- Before cleaning your grill, determine if the grill surface is metal or porceline covered metal before you scrub it with a metal or pumice grill cleaner.

- Putting foil on your grill top essentially turns the grill into a giant frying pan, cooking the burgers in their own grease. This kind of negates one of the primary reasons for grilling.

- Wearing sandles and no shirt when grilling on a giant, aluminum foil frying pan is painful. So is wearing socks the next day because you forgot you have a small burn on top of two toes from grease splatter.

- Poking holes in the foil with your tongs will allow the grease to drain, but makes it more likely the foil will stick to your burgers and tear.

- The collective grease of a dozen hamburgers makes for a really big and really hot fire.

- Shrouding yourself in the smoke of frying/grilling beef and processed beef products and their greases will not keep mosquitoes at bay. Socks also irritate the mosquito bite on top of one toe on the other foot.

- Mosquitoes love me. I cannot walk out to get the mail without getting bitten four or five times. That has nothing to do with grilling, but I thought I'd share anyway.

On Being a Geek

2006-07-05T08:00:00.000-04:00

Note: This entry first published as "Geeks Anonymous" on Mark... my words, May 3, 2006.

Check my closet, if you must. You will not find a single pair of plaid, polyester, high-water slacks. My button down shirts have never borne a pocket protector. Never have my dress shoes been worn with shorts and as God as my witness socks have never covered my sandle-clad feet. Yes, I do wear glasses occasionally, but only for reading or computer work. However, they are fully intact without any electrical, Scotch or duct tape holding them together. I promise.

Why am I telling you this? What is the point? Because, in spite of my vehement efforts to avoid external stereotypes, I cannot deny who or what I am.

My name is Mark. I am a geek.

I have been a geek all my life. From my earliest days throughout High School, the development of my geekiness haunted me. My nose was always stuck in a book. I was not very good at athletics. I was not a good dancer. I had no fashion sense whatsoever. I played Dungeons & Dragons. I was in show choir. I was into computers (if you have never stored your data on a cassette tape with a portable recorder…). I was fanatical about Star Wars and Indiana Jones. I was, in all senses of the word, a geek.

Even today, my geek factor remains high. I am a trivia fiend. I can quote lines from movies and TV shows, the names of the characters who said them and the actors who played them. I am very prone to pop up with random facts of (sometimes quasi-) related information to whatever is being discussed on TV, in a movie or in person (otherwise known as Cliff Clavin Syndrome – and if you don’t know who Cliff Clavin is, your geek factor is severely lacking). My interests and amusements leave my wife and others who know me slowly shaking their head sympathetically and muttering “Geek” under their breath.

But I am not offended. It is a badge of honor that I wear with pride. I have even adopted it as my nickname and am known both in my household and on bulletin boards across the net as “Geek Daddy.” I am a geek, and I am not ashamed.

I used to work with a guy named Shane who was constantly aghast at my pride in being a geek. He steadfastly believed being a geek was a bad thing. Despite the fact that he had a degree in computer science and could quote off the top of his head technical information, proper configurations and hardware specifications that would make your eyes cross. He partied hard. He lived the life of a playa. But all the while, he was denying his inner geek. I believe he will never truly be happy until he unleashes the geek within.

Being a geek isn’t a bad thing! Sure, we geeks have been picked on, insulted, even abused because of our geekiness. But those who would stand against us are just denying their own inner-geek! Is the guy who memorizes the episode name, plot line and guest stars of every Star Trek episode from all five series plus the movies really all that different than the guy who memorizes starting lineups and player stats from the sports pages? They’re both geeks! So you can name the size engine and other specific facts of every Ford vehicle made in the last 50 years? Great! I can name every album Queen ever released, the featured songs, and the solo albums of each band member. Welcome to the Brotherhood of the Geek!

It is time we stand up for our geek selves! Be proud of who we are! Rejoice in our geekiness!

To paraphrase from 1984’s Revenge of the Nerds, “There’s a little geek in all of us. Join us, ‘cause no one’s gonna really be free until geek persecution ends.”

Shane? If you’re out there, buddy: Be true to your geek.