Not in the manual

I like to cook. I'm actually pretty good at it, as well. At least I think so. I'm fairly handy in the kitchen and am always looking for new things to try. The grill, however, is a different story. Yes, I can cook on the grill (hey, I am a guy, after all), but will only guarantee the results on my grill.

This Fourth of July, we ended up, as usual, at my mom's house. Geek Mama, the Geeklings and Geek Puppy and myself, through a massive corrdinated effort rivalling that of the D-Day invasion at Normandy descended upon Grandma's in two vehicles loaded with copious amounts of food and foodstuffs, a cooler, a watermellon and swim clothes and more. We live five minutes away but you would think we were moving in.

As usual, the duty of grilling the ubiquitous hot dogs and hamburgers fell upon me. Apparently, my stepfather who turns seventy this month finds it too difficult to stand out and grill in the hot July afternnons in the South, but not too difficult to stand over my shoulder and tell me how to grill in the hot July afternoons in the South. He feels I cannot grill because of imperfect past performances.

I would just like to go on the record here to say that past gilling performances were not my fault. First, I'm not used to his grill. I need more practice on it. Second, Geek Mama, who is an even better cook than I -- usually, likes to make gourmet hamburgers wherein she smushes (that's a gourmet term) egg, chopped onions, Dale's Seasoning (available in grocery stores nation wide), pepper and some other stuff. The problem is, this turns the ground beef into something that looks like a thick, raw meat colored pudding (she didn't add bread or Ritz crackers despit my mom's advice to do so). I think we are just one ingredient short of pate'. The end result is that the burgers fall apart all over the grill, drop in the fire and basically make a huge, unappetizing mess. Again, not my fault!

So this time, we both made a concession. She used regular ground beef which she bought in a tube (but very low in fat), sliced the cylinder in to patties, splashed them with Lea & Perrins and presented them to me. I, on the other hand (and against my better judgement, I might add) used foil on the grill top to prevent the beef from falling through to the fire. In the end, all worked out well. I delivered a magnificent spread of hamburgers, cooked nicely medium rare (except for the medium well ones for the kids). However, this result came with some painful experiences which I will now impart to you.

- When my step dad says "Time to warm up the grill," he really means it will be at least 45 minutes before any meat is ready to place upon it. And he wonders why he runs out of gas so quickly.

- Before cleaning your grill, determine if the grill surface is metal or porceline covered metal before you scrub it with a metal or pumice grill cleaner.

- Putting foil on your grill top essentially turns the grill into a giant frying pan, cooking the burgers in their own grease. This kind of negates one of the primary reasons for grilling.

- Wearing sandles and no shirt when grilling on a giant, aluminum foil frying pan is painful. So is wearing socks the next day because you forgot you have a small burn on top of two toes from grease splatter.

- Poking holes in the foil with your tongs will allow the grease to drain, but makes it more likely the foil will stick to your burgers and tear.

- The collective grease of a dozen hamburgers makes for a really big and really hot fire.

- Shrouding yourself in the smoke of frying/grilling beef and processed beef products and their greases will not keep mosquitoes at bay. Socks also irritate the mosquito bite on top of one toe on the other foot.

- Mosquitoes love me. I cannot walk out to get the mail without getting bitten four or five times. That has nothing to do with grilling, but I thought I'd share anyway.