How to find Osama bin Laden

From late 1988 to late 1990, I was stationed at Travis Air Force Base in Fairfield, California, halfway between San Francisco and Sacramento. While there, I was introduced into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons) by my roommate who was a member. Shortly thereafter, Captain George Fair and his very kind and loving family kind of took me in, being a young, single prospect airman 3,000 miles from his home and family. Capt. Fair had four daughters and a son. His second daughter, Jackie was a couple years younger than I and had me wrapped aronud her finger. Then there was her sister, "Kitten", who was another year younger than that who also had me wrapped around her finger. And so it was that within a year of arriving there, and probably at least 90% because of these two girls, I joined the Mormon church.

In 1990, I transferred to Turkey and had nothing to do with the LDS church (no cute girls). In 1992, I got out of the Air Force and returned to South Carolina. Literally, within six weeks, I received a welcome visit from the local LDS group. They followed me! Due to my realizing that a girl (or two), no matter how beautiful, sweet and all around amazing, was a stupid reason to join a religion. I wrote my letter to the local group and asked that my name bestricken from the registry and my membership in the church cancelled or whatever.

Fast forward to 2006. I have moved eight times and lived in four cities in two different states. And who should show up at my door? You guessed it! Wishing me a happy birthday (a month late) because my name had come up on their bulletin. And I haven't been a member of that church for 13 years!!!

So, here's my plan. Tell a bunch of missionaries that Osama bin Laden is a backslidden member of the Mormon church and the first one to get him to come back gets a free bicycle or something. Forget the US Armed Forces! Forget carpet bombing and Delta Force. I predict the Mormons would figure out what cave that SOB is living in and even leave him with a copy of the Book of Mormon in about 48 hours.

I mean, these guys are like scary! Geez!